flipped

I didn't flinch, and something switched.

Something about the passing of the old moon, the coming of the new.

The gray matter of my brain has shifted during flight. Compartments have been rearranged.

Normally evolution isn't something you feel, right? Too generational. So maybe it's alchemy then, transformation. I'm feeling pressure on stress lines, but I'm not cracking.

Bendy, bend, bend is the way to move through. Rolling up and down the wire arch, top spinning.

I'm becoming more heart by the minute. Thawing chunks float like icebergs on my insides...

Sex, art, magic--like coming home. Except no sex, art, magic. Yet, sex, art, magic everywhere.

All the perspectives are screwy now. TV screens tilted sideways on ships. Newspapers typeset in Cyrillic.

My stomach's somewhere up between my ears, and my brain is licking my balls. Inverted poses every day. Eyes rolling up in my head to look back over my shoulders and down at my spine then back up and forward like slot machine cherries.

Some strange steam comes hissing up from grates, fluttering my identity like starlet's pleated skirt. (That was a great scene in House Bunny, by the way!)

The Universe seems to have an inner ear infection, and if everything wasn't so right, I'd be worried. All this weaving and heaving. It seems like cause for alarm.

The night is quiet, though, and the searchlights are dark. I think I'm going to crawl under the covers with Caligula tonight and eat some Italian.

If today was a Tarot card, it would be the Moon. A new one. Freshly flipped from the deck.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--24 hours a day.

image: Kerry Skarbakka

evolution

I've taken my blogging to another place. I hope you'll follow along.
Click here and click your heels to get to my new home.

integration

Somewhere early on in my childhood, I received a distinct signal that it was not okay to be the way I am--whatever way that is!

In response, I developed several identities over the years that allowed me to move fairly painlessly through all the areas of life I had to navigate.

Unfortunately, living this way created a great amount of stress, and I began to develop "secret lives." (Not that these lives were really all that secret.)

I tried to compartmentalize myself into sections I could switch on and switch off as needed. I didn't want to offend anyone, or appear uncool, or--heaven forbid--be disliked. However, the longer I kept flipping back and forth, and the more I kept drinking, the more these identities began to short circuit. They'd begin popping up in all sorts of inappropriate contexts.

In a couple of months I will have been sober for 2 years, and I amazed in that time how all those identities I used to try and maintain have begun synthesizing into one more or less authentic self. I have begun to have some respect for my own authority of experience. As someone once suggested, I am the only person in the universe uniquely qualified to be me.

To that end, I have created this blog, which actually contains writings from the past four years. As all things in life, I have changed in that time, and my opinions and ideas have evolved.

I've been taught in the Rooms not to regret the past, nor shut the door on it, and indeed, without the experiences chronicled here, I'd never have made to where I am today.

Today I am a person at peace. I am amazed at the abundance of riches in my life. I am astonished by the dazzling miracle that is the Universe.

Today I am improbably, unbelievably, and irrefutably myself.

Image: Raymond Carrance