integration

Somewhere early on in my childhood, I received a distinct signal that it was not okay to be the way I am--whatever way that is!

In response, I developed several identities over the years that allowed me to move fairly painlessly through all the areas of life I had to navigate.

Unfortunately, living this way created a great amount of stress, and I began to develop "secret lives." (Not that these lives were really all that secret.)

I tried to compartmentalize myself into sections I could switch on and switch off as needed. I didn't want to offend anyone, or appear uncool, or--heaven forbid--be disliked. However, the longer I kept flipping back and forth, and the more I kept drinking, the more these identities began to short circuit. They'd begin popping up in all sorts of inappropriate contexts.

In a couple of months I will have been sober for 2 years, and I amazed in that time how all those identities I used to try and maintain have begun synthesizing into one more or less authentic self. I have begun to have some respect for my own authority of experience. As someone once suggested, I am the only person in the universe uniquely qualified to be me.

To that end, I have created this blog, which actually contains writings from the past four years. As all things in life, I have changed in that time, and my opinions and ideas have evolved.

I've been taught in the Rooms not to regret the past, nor shut the door on it, and indeed, without the experiences chronicled here, I'd never have made to where I am today.

Today I am a person at peace. I am amazed at the abundance of riches in my life. I am astonished by the dazzling miracle that is the Universe.

Today I am improbably, unbelievably, and irrefutably myself.

Image: Raymond Carrance