slowing down

The past six months have been an exercise in exertion.  I have taken on a massive job and done pretty well getting it to a managable state.  The cost has been long hours and a relentless work schedule.

Although it's socially accepted and generally applauded, I can see that my work hyperdrive is at times a compulsive side effect of my alcoholism.  It feeds my desire to be in control, to have proof that I'm worthy of my existence, and sometimes even to avoid feeling my feelings and living my life.

All that said, I truly love the work that I'm doing, and I'm exceptionally grateful to have gainful employment in these crazy economic times.  I just have to remind myself there's more to life than work.  "Work to live" as they say, rather than "live to work"--that's a tough one for me.

Another thing I've noticed over the past few months--I'll work my finger to the bone, my ass off (and any other body part) for someone else, but I don't seem to be able to manage the same level of enthusiasm for activities that benefit me exclusively.  For example, I'll pull an all-nighter to bring a project in under deadline, but I won't take an hour out of my day to go to the gym.  I'll spend days refining a design for a publication or ad, but I won't set apart time to explore my own art.

Of course, this goes back to the matter of balance.  When I slam myself full force 12 and 15 hours a day into work, how can I be surprised that when I do get a moment of free time, I'm too exhausted to do anything but lay around surfing the Internet and watching re-runs of Family Guy?

So as the year winds down, so do I.  My hope is to find a more poetic, seasonal, sensual rhythm for my life.  One that is not quite so frantic and frenetic.  It's something I'm going to have to learn.  Something, ironically enough, I'm going to have to work on.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--24 hours at a time...