naysaying

I'm a chicken, clucking and fussing over any intrusion into my coop. 

I'm amazed at my propensity for negativity.  It's something I've started paying attention to.  A 'character defect', if you will.

No matter what comes up throughout the day, I have a negative, rejecting attitude.  I find fault or flaw with most everything around me, including me!  My automatic response is to refute, to repulse, to reject.

Frightening this constant, critical machine that runs my mind.  It pours a steady stream of vinegar into the fantastic unfolding going on all around me.

Fear, of course, makes the chicken.  So long I've been terrified of the world around me.  I've wanted to control it.  Damper it down.  Make it be quiet, sit still, or just go away...

Amazingly, though, my program of recovery has delivered to my doorstep and simple and ingenious solution: gratitude.

If I am confused, or irritated, or troubled about any situation, pausing to offer gratitude opens the door to acceptance and even, perhaps, wonder.

When I first began my journey into sobriety, I heard people talk about gratitude lists.  I kept one for awhile, but it seemed quickly to become redundant and there were so many other 'more important' issues to attend to. (See how that negativity slips right in there...)

If Life is, as I believe it to be, some massive, undulating, bewildering, ceaseless expression of the Divine, then everything that flows into my life is a manifestation of the Higher Power.  A visitation certainly worthy of my gratitude.

So here is an example of the negativity machine and an alternative grateful response:

I got a couple of small freelance jobs this week. 

My negative mind started in immediately on how they almost weren't worth the effort for the money I'd make.  I'm getting ready to leave town for the weekend and these projects are yet something else I'll have to get done before I can leave.   The clients don't know what they want, and it's slowing down the works.  I have other things I really need to be doing...

Okay, it should be easy for you to see where this is going.  Especially since a couple of weeks ago I was panicked about having no income and no job prospects.

Gratitude, of course, reminds me that I've been given jobs based on my reputation without having to go hunt for them.  I can make a decent chunk of money for relatively little energy expended.  The money I make on these two projects will finance my weekend out of town.  I don't have an overload of work at the moment, which means I can turn these projects around as quickly as they need to be.

Amazing the difference a touch of humility and gratitude can make.  Of course this is an obvious example, but I have plenty more negativity where that came from. 

The stuff that's pissing me off the most, I must remember, the stuff causing me the most angst, is the very stuff that needs to go at the top of my gratitude list.  I begin to comprehend that developing a proverbial 'attitude of gratitude' is essential for cultivating serenity.

Let me close then accordingly by saying I'm grateful for this blog, which offers me an outlet to explore all these ideas.  I'm grateful for those of you who read along and share in the experience.  I'm grateful for the internet and for all those souls who spend long days assembling chips, burying cable, climbing utility poles, monitoring systems, answering phones, and showing up for work, who make this online experience possible.

While I know negativity is something I'll be working on for a while, it's good to know there's so much to be thankful for in this amazing world.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--24 hours at a time...