into the stream

I've let go, and I'm scared as hell.

I've pushed off from the bank.  The current is swift and strong.

This time I'm putting my money where my mouth is.  I'm entrusting my fiscal life and will to the care of my higher power.

All my control freak alarm bells are ringing and red lights are flashing like crazy.  My impulse is to grasp, to clutch, to steer.

My monkey mind (as the Zen kids call it) is screeching and chest thumping and baring fangs.

Underneath, though, when I can catch a breath and step back, things are okay.  The surface of my lake is choppy, but there's stillness in the depths.

The Big Book of AA says we must be willing to go to any length for sobriety, which I thought I was perfectly willing to do, provided I didn't have to be uncomfortable.

I've left the easy and soft way for sure.  I'm likely headed into the rapids for the next few weeks as I scramble to find new rivulets of income.

I'm trying to be proud of myself, though.  I've acted on principle rather than popularity.  I've chosen serenity over 'security'.  I've made a decision from a place of integrity rather than insecurity.  And despite all the superficial panic-chatter of 'oh-my-god-what-have-I-done' fear, I know in some small way I have acted courageously.  Or at least I have found the courage to trust, to surrender, to hand over the oars.

The next few days and weeks will be an adventure, no doubt.  I'll keep you all updated as I go.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--24 hours at a time...