staying

I'm the kind of person who has an instinctive desire to escape when the universe doesn't suit me.  Being sober has been a big lesson in learning to stay.

When I get bored, when I get restless, I want to do something.  I want to manage, fix, and control. 

I start laying into myself with fierce criticism and absurd fantasies about being something or someone other than who I am.

Last weekend I was frustrated with my life, and in that particular obsessive moment created an entire new online identity.  I virtually became another person.

There was lots of crazy energy driving that move, and it's taken me a week to get a handle on it. 

I have a big tendency to flake out on things without following through.  I'm glad to say that over the past few months I've gotten better at it.  But for me, to wipe the slate clean and start over is always an easy choice.  That's where the excitement is, the energy--at the beginning.  It's when you keep going that things get less exciting, a little more confused, and generally require some hard work.

Now, I find it fascinating that I'll work my ass off for someone else, but I will jump ship as soon as the going gets rough if it's "just for me".

Anway, that may be a little confused and vague.  I guess the truth is, by creating a new identity and a new blog, I was trying to shut the door on the past a little.  This lil' blog of mine chronicles some fun times but also some dark times.  I don't like being a person "with a past".  I want to be as slick and perfect as a fashion ad in Vogue.  My life should be radiant, airbrushed, alluring...

Yeah, right.

To tell you truth, I've learned some big lessons this past week.  Getting into a "good" vs. "bad" mindset can wreck your serenity.  I find myself becoming hyper-critical.  I wrestle everything.  I have no peace.  Everything I label "bad" I try to run away from.  Everything I label "good" I try to hang on for dear life.  The truth is, it's all my life--all of it. 

What I'm trying to learn how to do now is to hold it all in an embrace of love, and let my higher power do whatever work needs to be done.

I still have a lot of co-dependent anxiety, worrying about what people are going to think about me, as if the entire planet is tracking my every move.  People like you kind souls who drop by to read my rants from time to time?  I, of course, want to come across as with-it, wise, and completely cool. 

You know what?  Most of the time I'm not cool.  I'm really geeky, uncomfortable in my own skin, naive, clueless, and beating myself up every minute for it.

On the other hand, I'm beginning to realize I'm a pretty decent guy.  I have a big heart, and I get pissed off.  I lust after boys, and I feel lonely.  I'm fairly intelligent, and a great deal of the time I don't have a clue.  I am a human being.  What a shock.

I also know that I'll keep trying to figure it all out, get control of everything, be perfect, and make no mistakes or be thought badly of by anyone ever... 

My aspiration is to be aware of it.  That's all.

When I am in a peaceful serene place, I realize that one of the greatest gifts of sobriety has been becoming more and more authentically who I am.  Having peace with that and surrendering the rest to God.

Needless to say, I don't stay in a peaceful serene place every hour of every day.

So the point of this post is to say, I'm back.  Ol' JizzJazz69 with all my flaws, quirks, fascinations, and fabulousness. 

I'll hang on to the other domain name.  It's pretty cool.  I suspect it will play some part in my future...

For now though, for today, I'm content to be me.

All of me.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--life is short...

heroes among us

Intriguing show.  I'm not a rabid TV watcher, so I hadn't seen any of the first season.

The story's up my alley.  It has an X-men sort of thing going on.  Normal people discover they have unusual powers...

I think the appeal of the show goes back to Dr. Campbell's diagnosis: we crave myth.

There are spiritual stories playing out in the lives we lead, but in this post-structuralist world, we've lost our scrying mirrors, our crystal balls, our painted caves that remind us all of it is amazing and none of it is new.

We dance to the music of the spheres and the universe dances with us.  All that is dances in close, hot body tango with all that isn't.  Life is one expansive, explosive, exhilirating firework show of moments after moments.  Ironically we have to be present and get perspective to catch the full beauty of it all.

It's how the Creative Force of the universe can be at once intimately personal and vastly unknowable.

Heroes is compelling because having powers doesn't exempt the characters from the human condition.  Their abilities can screw things up as potentently as righting unjust wrongs.

As a kid, I always fantasized having super powers would give me some sort of control over life to guarantee that it would work out to my advantage.  Those fantasies haven't altogether gone away...ahem.

Anyway, good show.  Fun evening.  Tasty ice cream.  Not bad for a Monday night.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--24 hours at a time... 

unfiltered

They say in your first year you should stick to dealing with one addiction.

I decided though, since my insurance covers Chantix, to try and quit smoking.

I've been on the medicine a couple of weeks.  Today is day five without cigarettes.  I am losing my friggin' mind!

This is addiction, my friends.  When every fiber of your being, when every thought in your head obliterates who you are as a person, blocks out space and time, and demands that you SMOKE, you know you're in deep.

Somewhere my brain knows that enough time has passed that there's no more nicotine in my system.  The medicine short circuits the physical pangs of cravings.  The habit, though, the lifestyle, the companionship...

My inner-chain-smoking-child is wailing.  I get waves of panic almost.  It's crazy.

To all you folks out there who have overcome addictions to scary, hardcore stuff like crack, meth and heroin, my hat's off to you.

My sponsor advised me if I wanted to try to quit smoking using this medicine, that was all well and good, but if it started to be too much, let it go.

I'm not there yet.  Some sane part of me knows it would be amazing to be rid of this habit and all the nasty inevitabilities that go along with it.  I keep breathing deeply, chewing lots of gum...

You see, my journey through the twelve steps so far has opened a pretty amazing awareness and connection in me with the Spirit of the Universe.  The ol' Higher Power.  The Om, as it were.

I still have this smoke screen, though--literally.  I believe if I can keep letting go, allow a non-smoking state of existence to emerge in my life, I'll maybe let in even more light.

Right now, though, I can barely keep up with this post.  Writing about cigarettes, thinking about cigarettes...  It's too much.

Wish me luck.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.  Progress not perfection.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--life is short...

restless, irritable, and discontent

Yesterday I wrote a blog entry that was coming from a weird place. 

I edited it down, changed the title, and republished, but it still wasn't ringing true. 

Now here I am again, and maybe--just maybe--third time will be charmed.

I was sort of sad yesterday.  My first Saturday home after a couple of fantastic weekends, and I was sorely missing the cameraderie of a big group of gay folks in recovery.  I wanted to be out having dinner, laughing, flirting--playing, really, like a kid--with all my new friends.  But they weren't here, and I was.

Then the ol' alcoholic twist of insanity kicked in, and I began to plot and scheme ways to recreate the fun of the past couple of weekends right here in town.  I decided--obviously--the only way I was going to connect with other gay folks in recovery or supportive of mine was to go out...to a bar...ahem.

Cunning, baffling, powerful--let me tell ya what.

Also, I was on this kick that maybe I was being a little too uber-recovery.  Too wrapped up in my own little drama and adventure.  Decided maybe I needed to practice a little more anonymity, blend in...hmmm- deny?

Luckily with some cosmic intervention on behalf of my higher power and my sponsor, I came to my senses long before I darkened the doorstep of the bar I was headed to (my old stomping ground, not coincedentally).

You know, though, my life has changed so much in the past 134 days, I forget sometimes that I'm still really new at all this.  I'm going to roundups, chairing meetings, but deep down, I'm still a big drunk.  There is nothing but the grace of my higher power keeping my head out of the commode.

Going forward in my blog, I'm going to want to explore a wide range of topics--from the racy to the ribald--without worrying that someone might mistake my voice as The Voice of AA or recovery. 

So please remember: the power of AA, the 12 steps, and recovery lies in the stories of its members, of whom I am just one of millions.  If anyone, anywhere, inside or outside the rooms can benefit or get at least a little laugh from anything I might write, all the better.

More and more every day, I discover recovery is about living a new kind of life--dreaming in public, living out loud (to borrow a couple of well coined-phrases).

It is through living such a life that--hopefully--other people come to understand there are alternatives, other choices besides insane suffering and spiraling self-destruction...

"Attraction rather than promotion."

One of the great gifts of my short time in recovery is discovering a larger, more amazing world than I ever dreamed possible. 

That said, I hope to share my story, as it unfolds, with all you kind folks who continue to drop by and check out these pages, regardless if you identify with my path or not.

Each day I wake up, I find the Universe leading me simultaneously outward toward undiscovered vastness and at the same time deeper into the truth of who I am.  I'm learning to embrace my own contradictions, and celebrate the profound mystery of what simply is.

Honesty, serenity, and joy, folks--24 hours at a time...

the good life

It's Friday night. 

This time last week I was in Atlanta.

What an amazing weekend it was.  The Serenity State Roundup.  I made so many new friends.  The energy was electric.  Sexy, spiritual gay guys (and gals) working our respective paths through sobriety. 

Drag shows, karaoke, yoga, meditation, soul talks, laughter, ice cream(!)--three incredible days of celebrating life.  It was The Big Chill.  It was Enchanted April.  It was the Wizard of Oz.

I feel almost guilty for having so much fun, for being so moved, for living so purely...

I don't want to sound like AA's personal Pollyanna, blowing sunshine and light up everyone's collective ass.  It's just I've not had days like these before.  Days of wide open sky and limitless possibility.  Days of soaring serenity, centeredness, peace...

And, as the saying goes, this too shall pass...  I'm learning to "let go absolutely", savor each moment as it arises, knowing it won't be back.

A big shout out to my lunch buddies and Starbucks pals- J, C, and... M.  And to all the others- C, the witch king; M, the fabulous stair walker; S & R the (hot!) yoga boys...

For me, the whole weekend ended up being about spirituality and sexuality.  The bliss-state of being turned on and tuned in--at the same time!  A far thousand mile cry from the Southern Baptist landscape of my childhood.

For anyone who was there last weekend, thank you.  Keep coming back, as they say.

The rest of the (short) week has been intense, but productive.  I'm glad the weekend's here.  I have lots of housekeeping to do, literally and figuratively.

Looking forward to a weekend of rest, relaxation, and catching up.  Also need to put some serious effort into starting the shedding of about 15 pounds I packed on staggering through those first rough days of sobriety...

And, after these past two weekends in Dayton and Atlanta, I've gotten a real taste for meeting new folks.  So please don't hesitate to say "hey" if you happen to bounce by my little acre of cyberspace. 

Honesty, serenity, and joy, folks--24 hours at a time...