working it

"No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

Read this quote on Alan's blog. (A new project is coming, too!)  It hit home.

Last night I had the fantastic experience of visiting the home of Bob Morgan.  Bob is a local Lexington artist (and legend, why not pile on the accolades?)  His house is every inch an ecstatic, exuberant, passionate expression of his creativity.  It made me catch my breath.  It made me remember.  It re-awoke something in me--a deep desire to start again creating art.

I realized, as I wandered the surreal baroque landscape of Bob's house, that in all my years of drinking I always talked about being an artist, always fantasized about the art I would create, always amused myself with ideas of how extraordinary my work would be.  Instead of creating art, however, I'd just have another drink and enjoy my delusions.  Looking back on the periods of my life when I have been most creative, those were the times when I was drinking the least.  To really accomplish a major work, or even a minor painting here or there, I couldn't be under the influence.

Drinking fuels thinking.  That's why the juicy bits of the Big Book are in the chapter called "Into Action."

My sponsor then lent me a movie to watch, Shortcut to Nirvana, about the Kumbh Mela festival where 70 million Hindus descend on a particular spot in India once every 12 years to dip their toes in the great Ganges River.  The documentary was an in-depth look into the permutations of Hinduism--all the strange penis-wrapping, pit buried, nail-sitting gurus; all their clapping, flower bearing, smoke swinging disciples; and the general pressing, crushing noisy mass that is the Kumbh Mela festival.  As intriquing an exploration of Hinduism as the film was, I was most moved by a coment made in the outtakes.  A young man, fascinated by Asian philosophies and spiritual traditions, noted he had returned from the festival only to find himself becoming more and more "Jewish", his native faith.

I believe we all have a spiritual 'note' with which our souls find harmony in the Song of the Universe.  Exploring spiritual traditions, like traveling, opens doorways of understanding, leads you deeper into the truth of yourself.  Creating art is a passionate, impulsive response to the love song of Life, to the intricate, incomprehensible, awful, spectacular beauty of the Universe.

Ultimately, the lesson I take from these things is that I have to live.  I have to create.  I have to move beyond my head and the movie in my mind and re-claim my spot on the road. 

As I write this, I realize how much I hide in my head.  How much distance I keep between my 'true self" and the world.  How disconnected I am with my body, my emotions.

I am grateful for the path of twelve steps that is slowly leading me back to authentic experience.  

I am grateful to have reconnected--even though sometimes reluctantly and petulantly--with my higher power.

It's good not to spend ALL my time resisting life and the Way Things Are.  Maybe soon I'll pick up a more interesting and enjoyable hobby!

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--24 hours at a time...