unfiltered

They say in your first year you should stick to dealing with one addiction.

I decided though, since my insurance covers Chantix, to try and quit smoking.

I've been on the medicine a couple of weeks.  Today is day five without cigarettes.  I am losing my friggin' mind!

This is addiction, my friends.  When every fiber of your being, when every thought in your head obliterates who you are as a person, blocks out space and time, and demands that you SMOKE, you know you're in deep.

Somewhere my brain knows that enough time has passed that there's no more nicotine in my system.  The medicine short circuits the physical pangs of cravings.  The habit, though, the lifestyle, the companionship...

My inner-chain-smoking-child is wailing.  I get waves of panic almost.  It's crazy.

To all you folks out there who have overcome addictions to scary, hardcore stuff like crack, meth and heroin, my hat's off to you.

My sponsor advised me if I wanted to try to quit smoking using this medicine, that was all well and good, but if it started to be too much, let it go.

I'm not there yet.  Some sane part of me knows it would be amazing to be rid of this habit and all the nasty inevitabilities that go along with it.  I keep breathing deeply, chewing lots of gum...

You see, my journey through the twelve steps so far has opened a pretty amazing awareness and connection in me with the Spirit of the Universe.  The ol' Higher Power.  The Om, as it were.

I still have this smoke screen, though--literally.  I believe if I can keep letting go, allow a non-smoking state of existence to emerge in my life, I'll maybe let in even more light.

Right now, though, I can barely keep up with this post.  Writing about cigarettes, thinking about cigarettes...  It's too much.

Wish me luck.  I'll keep you posted on my progress.  Progress not perfection.

Passion, beauty, and love, folks--life is short...