restless, irritable, and discontent

Yesterday I wrote a blog entry that was coming from a weird place. 

I edited it down, changed the title, and republished, but it still wasn't ringing true. 

Now here I am again, and maybe--just maybe--third time will be charmed.

I was sort of sad yesterday.  My first Saturday home after a couple of fantastic weekends, and I was sorely missing the cameraderie of a big group of gay folks in recovery.  I wanted to be out having dinner, laughing, flirting--playing, really, like a kid--with all my new friends.  But they weren't here, and I was.

Then the ol' alcoholic twist of insanity kicked in, and I began to plot and scheme ways to recreate the fun of the past couple of weekends right here in town.  I decided--obviously--the only way I was going to connect with other gay folks in recovery or supportive of mine was to go out...to a bar...ahem.

Cunning, baffling, powerful--let me tell ya what.

Also, I was on this kick that maybe I was being a little too uber-recovery.  Too wrapped up in my own little drama and adventure.  Decided maybe I needed to practice a little more anonymity, blend in...hmmm- deny?

Luckily with some cosmic intervention on behalf of my higher power and my sponsor, I came to my senses long before I darkened the doorstep of the bar I was headed to (my old stomping ground, not coincedentally).

You know, though, my life has changed so much in the past 134 days, I forget sometimes that I'm still really new at all this.  I'm going to roundups, chairing meetings, but deep down, I'm still a big drunk.  There is nothing but the grace of my higher power keeping my head out of the commode.

Going forward in my blog, I'm going to want to explore a wide range of topics--from the racy to the ribald--without worrying that someone might mistake my voice as The Voice of AA or recovery. 

So please remember: the power of AA, the 12 steps, and recovery lies in the stories of its members, of whom I am just one of millions.  If anyone, anywhere, inside or outside the rooms can benefit or get at least a little laugh from anything I might write, all the better.

More and more every day, I discover recovery is about living a new kind of life--dreaming in public, living out loud (to borrow a couple of well coined-phrases).

It is through living such a life that--hopefully--other people come to understand there are alternatives, other choices besides insane suffering and spiraling self-destruction...

"Attraction rather than promotion."

One of the great gifts of my short time in recovery is discovering a larger, more amazing world than I ever dreamed possible. 

That said, I hope to share my story, as it unfolds, with all you kind folks who continue to drop by and check out these pages, regardless if you identify with my path or not.

Each day I wake up, I find the Universe leading me simultaneously outward toward undiscovered vastness and at the same time deeper into the truth of who I am.  I'm learning to embrace my own contradictions, and celebrate the profound mystery of what simply is.

Honesty, serenity, and joy, folks--24 hours at a time...